Guardians Of Privilege

Platform for the Next Election

 

 

Caution:  Everyone knows that election-year party platforms are just rhetorical exercises and are never put into practice after the election. Right?

 

 

Terrorism      This country is safer than it was when we took over.  But if you don’t hide under the bed and let us do whatever we want, they’ll get you.

 

Tax Policy    We favor any changes to the Internal Revenue Code that shift the tax burden from us to you.

 

Economy      Already fixed.  It’s your fault you can’t find a job that supports your family.

 

Iraq War        All the mistakes everyone says we made in this war really weren’t.  But don’t worry, we’ll get it right in the next war.

 

Abortion        Should be legal only when performed in expensive private clinics abroad.  Meanwhile, check out our new Papal Consent Law

 

Social Security        Never liked it from Day 1

 

Medicare                   Never liked it from Day 1

 

Race              We’ve solved that one.  Just in case, though, black people will be allowed to vote in the Orange Juice state as soon as we are assured they’ll vote the right way.

 

Bill of Rights            First Amendment—Obsolete

                        Second Amendment—Now you’re talking

                        Third through Tenth Amendments—Obsolete

 

Science and the Public Interest We are against both science and the public interest.

 

Same-Sex Marriage           God loves everyone, except gays and people who vote for the other party.  ’Nuff said.*        *Did we mention Hell?

 

Energy          What was wrong with what Enron did again?

 

Workplace Safety   You win some, you lose some.

 

Education     Overrated

 

Patriot Act    This is soooo cool.  If we just act like we’re big patriots we can threaten anyone who even so much as hints at a criticism.

 

Prayer in Schools  We need something to replace education.

 

Mandatory Drug Testing in Schools     See above.

 

Health Insurance    Once we pass tort reform you won’t be able to get your insurance company to pay for anything anyway.

 

Nuclear Weapons  The greatest threat to our society is the threat that terrorists will get hold of these horrible engines of destruction.  The Second Amendment guarantees the absolute right to buy them on the open market.

 

Environment    If you can read this, the air is clean enough.

 

Freedom of Information    Just to give you an idea, this platform can be read only by someone with a top secret security clearance in a locked secret room surrounded by armed guards.

 

 

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